Since coming back to Toronto over 3 months ago, I figured that I would have a tough time of it financially. My friend, Sam, warned me last year when he was one of the first ones I told of my intentions to return home for good.
I've had good days and bad days. For about a few hours up to a few minutes ago, I was definitely in the latter frame of mind. The Toronto Maple Leafs disaster last night has nothing to do with it. It comes in waves. To be honest, my good days have been when I am getting together with friends. Other days are merely nominal. Some days I put on the jeans and the shirt and head out to the library or take a walk around the block and then when I get back, I'm on the computer either blogging or writing something. But days like today, I feel very much like a hikikomori...a shut-in of sorts although I have never barricaded myself in my room. But, y'know when I just put on a pair of jogging pants and a T-shirt and know that I'm not leaving the apartment and know that I will be eating, typing on the computer or just watching TV instead of being out there making money for the family, I get into a pretty dark place. There is a fair bit of guilt and depression coursing through me during those dark times.
It also hasn't helped that I got a sideways diss from one of my Facebook friends about the Leafs and my blog on Japanese popular music....well, really, just on J-Pop itself. I know that he's got definite opinions on certain matters and I've known for a very long time that he has no love for any music of the 80s (which is what I thrive on), but he just sent the wrong signal at the wrong time, and so I deleted some of his statements...nothing illegal or immoral about that, but if he notices, I'm sure he'll be asking questions.
Frankly, I carry a lot of weight on my shoulders....unfortunately, I've inherited my mother's enormous ability to carry grudges, and I've developed over the decades a certain talent at dwelling on things I've done years ago which have led to consequences. I've burned enough bridges to earn the badge of a demolitions expert. I've dumped loads of near-friends since I felt I couldn't relate to them. I don't regret doing it but if I had given a bit more thought about how the other side would feel, perhaps I could have waited a bit longer. But still, I've got no interest in them.
Plus, there's the fact that my 3 days at my friend's wife's school were not particularly auspicious ones, and that the staff there didn't even have the courtesy to give any sort of message thanking me for those days; instead, they just sent the money I earned into my account and basically ended it right then and there. Neither my friend nor his wife have contacted me since then....not sure if they're pissed off with me or too embarrassed to make contact.
Am I looking for a job? Nope. I can't at this point since I've got that big family trip in about a month. How could I say on a covering letter that I would like to apply for a job...and oh, by the way, I've gotta take the week off next month?
So, this is Limbo I'm in now. I can only hope that by May, my prospects will be looking better.